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Humph's Closing Gems
Each week at the end of ISIHAC, BBC Radio 4's "I'm Sorry, I Haven't a
Clue", the chairman Humphrey Littleton closes with a few well chosen
words. These are some recent contributions remembered (or half remembered).
Thanks to Kevin Hale and Robin Somes for lots of new ones.
If you remember any more, or invent your own, please add them below.
Kevin Hale has created a web site containing some
more of Humphrey Littleton's Gems: the
introductions to the show, and a
list of
prizes offered for the
winner of the Pick-Up Song round.
REMEMBERED
- And as the Rock of Ages is cleft in twain by the karate chop of Destiny, I
notice it has 'Souvenir of Watford' written through it...
- And as the plastic duck of Destiny has been sunk by the loofah of Fate, and old
father time has gone wrinkly in the bath water of Eternity, it must be time
to pick out the short hairs of Hope from the bath plug of Infinity and say
goodbye...
- And as the golf ball of Time rolls down the rabbit hole of Destiny and the
half-eaten Mars Bar of Fate melts in the forgotten pocket of my new cricket whites ...
- And as the sands of Time are being washed by the tide of Eternity, it's time
to decide whether it's kinder on coloured fabrics than our usual brand... (West End, 26-11-94)
- And as the rare Bengal tiger of Time meanders into the cross hair sights of
Prince Phillip's fateful pump-action shot gun... (Canterbury Jul 97)
- And as the Little Jack Horner of Time pulls out his plums of Fate, and the
Little Tommy Tucker of Destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast...
- And as the tide of Time laps up against the sewage outfall of Destiny, and
the wind of change begins to pervade the crowded lift of Eternity...
- And as the short-sighted terrier of Time chases the startled stick insect of
Hope, and the supple daschund of Fate is knotted by the absent-minded
balloon magician of Eternity...
- And as the adventurous dung-beetle of Time spits out the pot noodle of
Destiny, and the toadstool of Fate is plucked from the startled toad of
Eternity...
- And as the Qualcast mower of Time cuts through the electric flex of Destiny...
- And as Old Father Time is finally traced to an address in Lowestoft by the
Child Support Agency worker of Destiny...
- And as the sleepy toad of Time confronts the whirring hover mower of Destiny,
and the unsuspecting dog of Complacency cocks a leg at the electric fence of Fate...
- And as the sand castles of Eternity are washed away by the incoming tide of
Time, it is clear that the grim deck-chair attendant of Destiny will soon be upon
us.
- And as the Pete Best of Time picks up the redundancy notice of Eternity,
and the Trevor Jordash of fate glimpses the garden patio of Destiny...
- And as the Neil Hamilton of time meets the Martin Bell of Destiny,
and the airport extension of life meets the Swampy of eternity...
- And as the BMX roadster of Time collides with the eratic minicab of Fate,
and the unprotected crotch of Hope slams hard against the crossbar of Destiny...
- And as the eternal flame of Time licks hungrily around the Eurotunnel freight wagon of
Destiny, and the three bar electric fire of Fate topples into the bubble bath of human dreams...
- And as the twin buttocks of Time struggle on to the photocopier of Eternity,
and the tipsy secretary of Fate fends off the managing director of Destiny...
- And as the labrador puppy of Time scampers off with the toilet roll of Destiny,
it's time to bid the whining little child of show-business adieu.
- And as the dandruff of Time is conbfronted by the Head-and-Shoulders of
Destiny, and the single sock of Fate succumbs to the twin-tub of Eternity...
- And as the boiling water of Time collides with the sweet and sour instant
pot snack of Fate, I notice that the tomato sauce sachet of Destiny has been
accidentally left inside...
- And as the salad fork of Time lifts aloft the hidden slug of fate towards the
open mouth of Eternity, and the hibernating tortoise of Hope explodes in the
microwave of Infinity...
- And as the Irritating Caraway Seed of Fate is removed by the Dental
Floss of Destiny...
- And as the delinquent teenager of Time tastes the fatal alco-pop of
Eternity... (broadcast 21.6.97)
- And as Grandfather Time takes an absent-minded swig from Granny Time's
denture mug... (30.6.97)
- And as the Spanish trawler net of Time ensnares the Dover sole of Destiny,
and the avenging Cornish crab of Fate crawls up the Andalucian trouser
leg of Eternity... (7.7.97)
- And as the absent-minded zookeeper of Time scrubs his loo with the
startled bush-baby of Hope, and the frisky King Penguin of Fate
approaches the small nun of Destiny... (22.11.97)
- And as the rogue purple underpants of Time begin their assault on the
whites-only wash cycle of Destiny, and the twin buttocks of Fate are
sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of Eternity... (6.12.97)
- And as the spectacular shag of Time wheels high over the rock face of
Eternity, before being sucked into the Pratt & Whitney jet engine of
Destiny... (13.12.97)
- And as the scales of Time are confronted by the Vanessa Feltz of Eternity,
and the cubicle of Destiny is selected by the George Michael of Fate...
(27.4.98)
- And as the plump juicy earwig of Time burrows into the uncapped toothpaste
of Destiny, and the hairy spider of Fate lurks hungrily under the toilet
seat of Eternity... (4.5.98)
- And as the blue-cagouled rambler Time confronts the colour-blind bull of
Destiny, and the dead pigeon of Fate decomposes in the water tank of
Eternity... (11.5.98)
- And as the armpit hair of Time is snagged in the ball deodorant of
Destiny, and the Harpic of Eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of
Fate... (18.5.98)
- And as the Robin Cook of Time wheedles out of the public inquiry of
Destiny, and the Michael Howard of Eternity chokes on his own smug smile
of Fate... (25.5.98)
- And as the flatulent skunk of Time wanders into the air conditioning
system of Eternity, and the piranha fish of Fate circles hungrily in the
bidet of Destiny... (7.6.98)
- And as the bottom of Time falls out of the binbag of Destiny, and the
unseen charlady of Fate Mr Sheens the formica tabletop of Eternity...
(4.1.99)
- And as the slavering Radio 4 scheduler of Time savages the airwaves of
Eternity, and the popular panel game of Hope is axed by the cataclysmic
network controller of Doom... (30.5.99)
- And as the pleasant sitting room of Time is mutilated by the Lawrence
Llewellyn Bowen of Destiny.. (31.5.99)
- And as the grubby raincoat of Time opens to reveal the upright Member of
Parliament, and the categorical denial of Destiny is swiftly followed by
the resignation letter of Fate... (8.6.99)
- And as the Wispa of Mortality melts into the upholstery of Fate in the
overheating Vauxhall of Destiny, towing the caravan of Doom ahead of the
motorway tailback of Eternity... (14.6.99)
- And as the sands of Time blow up the trunks of Destiny, and the grit of
Fate lodges uncomfortably in the winkle of Despair... (21.6.99)
- And as the loose-bowelled pigeon of Time swoops low over the tourist of
eternity, and the unlicensed mini-cab of Fate gets lost in the one-way system of
destiny...
- And as the red red robin of Time goes bob bob bobbing under the snowplough
of Eternity, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of Fate is rammed up the
eternally unfrozen turkey of Destiny...
- And as the fluff ball of Time pops out of the navel of Eternity, and the
nylon underpants of Fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of Destiny...
- And as the short sighted rhino of Time attempts to mount the VW Beetle of
eternity, and the rubber glove of Fate gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of
destiny...
- And as the great tit of Time nibbles through the gold top of Eternity, and
the unseen mouse droppings of Fate nestle in the crunchy fruit and nut muesli of
destiny...
- And as the polyester knit of Time cleaves to the sweaty armpit of Eternity,
and the nylon underpants of Fate ride uncomfortably up the cleft of Destiny...
- And as the Andrex puppy of Time scampers onto the busy dual-carriageway of
Eternity, and the extra-strong Meat Vindaloo of Fate confronts the 'Toilet
out-of-order' sign of Destiny....
- And as the chill wind of Time blows up the kilt of Eternity, and the short
sighted octopus of Fate attempts to mount the bagpipes of Destiny ...
- And as the frisky tomcat of Fate confronts the scalpel of Destiny, and the
precious natural woodland of Time meets the motorway extension of Eternity...
- And as the Ford Anglia of Time fails the MOT test of Eternity, and the
dappled donkey of Fate ambles towards the abbatoir of Destiny...
- And as the still-warm loo seat of Time is lifted by the charlady of
Eternity, before she brandishes aloft the Toilet Duck of Destiny...
- And as the delicate mayfly of Time collides with the speeding windscreen of
Eternity, and the angry wasp of Fate flies up the trouser leg of Destiny...
- And as the buttocks of Time get sucked into the faulty chemical toilet of Eternity...
- And as the privatised utility of time meets with the Nolan Report of Destiny...
- (half remembered)And as the startled Toad of time is plucked from the Toadstool of Eternity...
- (half remembered)And as the wee-willy-winkie of Time pops out of the nightgown of
Destiny...
- (half remembered) And as the eager Jack Russell of Fate straddles the
hassock of Destiny...
- (half remembered)And as the roller coaster of Fate descends the wooden
tracks of Destiny, and the hamburgers of Time decant into the sick bag of
Eternity ...
- (half remembered) And as the charlady of Time shake 'n' vacs the shag-pile
of Eternity, whilst the tomcat of Fate faces the scapel of Destiny...
- (half remembered) And so before the burnished chariot of Fate is
wheel-clamped by the traffic warden of Destiny...
- And as the WRITER OF THE ORIGINALS OF THESE, I CAN'T REMEMBER AS MANY YOU LOT. WELL DONE.
REGARDS, IAIN PATTINSON (PROGRAMME CONSULTANT, I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE)
And from an earlier series ...
- With my big hand pointing upwards and my little hand pointing towards my
digital watch I see that it is time ...
- With Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing
downwards, I realise that my Rollex is a fake...
- And as I wait at the bus-stop of the apocalypse I see that four horsemen
have drawn up at once...
- One look at my scuba diver's watch tells me that he's probably drowned ...
INVENTED
- (From keelar@hotmail.com 9 July 2000) And as the Well Rounded buttocks of Time sit on the Whoopee Cushion of Eternity,
and the French Farmer of Fate incinerates the British Lamb of Destiny...
- (From cnolan@labyrinth.net.au 3 July 2000) And just as this Aussie fan of ISIHAC finds that they broadcast it on
the internet and can listen, the chairman Humph gives me the news I shall have to wait untill November
to listen to them again. Well, from this fan who will now go and buy the other four double casstte
sets, it's .... Good Night!
- And as the cylinder Dyson of Destiny sucks up the petrified weevil of
fate, umra rolls oblivious of the iloveyou virus of the Phillipines to
the end of yet another day...
- And as the unwilling cat of Time is dragged into the bubble bath
of Eternity, while the mouse of Fate nibbles on the nuts of Destiny...
- And as the baby hedgehog of Fate is squashed by the speeding juggernaut of
Despair as it thunders down the dual carriageway of Time towards the Little Chef
of Eternity ...
- And as the fluffy purple Teletubby of Time is pursued by the ravening
vacuum cleaner of Destiny, and the poached egg of Fate slowly congeals
on the TubbyToast of Eternity...
- And as the plugged-in five-bar heater of Ambition slips effortlessly into
the overflowing bath ofFfailure ...
- And as the garlic-breathed Frenchman of Time observes the outflanked Maginot line of
Fate...
- And as the millennium bug of Fate deletes the thesis of Destiny, and the
postgraduate of Time takes his final drag from the coffee cup of Eternity...
- And as the darning needle of Fate is left in the sock-heel of Destiny and
the second-hand tumble dryer of Time devours the single black sock of
Eternity...
- And as the squeegie merchant of Fate smears the windscreen of Destiny...
And as one contributor said, "A psychologist could draw all sorts of
conclusions about us from the ones we remember ..."
If you have any comments, or notice any mistakes or omissions, please do not
hesitate to contact the Webmaster.